Jonathan was a very selfish, disrespectful boy.
He always wanted everything that he set his big
blue eyes on. One day Jonathan was reading his
new book that his mum gave him two days ago.
Just then he found an add about a new flat screen
TV!
Jonathan ran down the hallway and into the
studying room.
“Mum, look what I found. Oh
please please can I have it?!” Begged Jonathan.
“No Jonathan, we have a TV in the basement, a
TV in the lounge and now you want a new one.
Where in the world are we going to put the new
TV? No TV Jonathan.” Replied Jonathan’s mother.
Jonathan was really sad.
“All I wanted was a TV.
Is that to much to ask for?” Jonathan grumbled to himself. Suddenly Jonathan had a great idea.
“I KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO GET THAT TV!”
Shouted Jonathan. Then he happily sang down
the hallway and into his mothers bedroom.
Jonathan hovered around the room to look
for some money.
“There has got to be money in here. Better look
In the cupboards.” whispered Jonathan. Then
He opened a cupboard and found….MILLIONS
AND MILLIONS OF MONEY! So he quickly ran to
his room and stuffed his money into his secret
stash.
“Nobody will ever find it here!”Then he slammed
The door behind himself
The next day Jonathan’s mum had to go to work until six in the evening. That made Jonathan have enough time for his big idea to get that TV. Then Jonathan got the phone and started to dial on his cell phone. “Hello can I have a
taxi pick me up at 41 wallnort street please?” Asked Jonathan in a adult voice. “Ok I’ll be there in about five minuets.” repeated the man.
“Thank you bye!”
Jonathan ran up the stairs got his book and his
coat and shoes and then got ready for his ride.
Four minuets later the phone rang, it was the
taxi driver. Jonathan went outside and climbed
into the car.
“Hi.” smiled Jonathan
“Hi. Where are we going?” Asked the driver.
Then Jonathan grabbed the book and pointed at
the name of the shop.
“Dnex ok were going to DNEX!” he shouted.
Off they went.
10minuets later they had arrived. Jonathan quickly paid the ran inside the shop and looked all around for his new TV. Just as he was looking his friend Marcus saw him.
“Hi what are you doing here? Where’s your Mom.” He asked.
“My Mum’s just round the corner. Ahh look at the time gotta go!” He lied.
While Jonathan looked for his TV Marcus and his mum called Jonathan’s
mother to make sure everything was OK
“Hello Good Afternoon Mrs Osborn. I was wondering where you are.” Mucus's Mum Mrs Johan said.
“Hello Mrs Johan I just got home from work and I bet
Jonathan is upstairs sleeping.” She answered.
“What you mean your not at Dnex with Jonathan. Said Marcus. Because he’s shopping Dnex by himself.”
“Oh No he is so Grounded wait till I get my hands on him
I’ll be there in a minute Marcus just don’t get Jonathan
out of sight. Bye.”
10minuets later Mrs Osborn was at Dnex.
She went over to Marcus and said “Where is he
Where is he!”
“Over there by the giant TV.” Replied Marcus.
Mrs Osborn dragged Jonathan by the arm and :
Into the car. After that she didn't say a word.
All the way home.
By Blue Bell
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Nice solid job. I don't know how long you've been writing but if you're aspiring to become a writer or a novelist then one of the key things you need to focus on is the writing itself. You have potential to build on the ideas you already have and since our ideas are fragments of our own experiences then use that your advantage. Fill your characters up with people you've known yourself and sprinkle your story with emotions and circumstances that you would find awkward or endearing. In other words, treat this story as if you were in it and you'll slowly start creating a piece of work that has meat (substance) and unimaginable voice. Keep writing as much as you can and as time goes you'll see the uncanny evolution of your skills as a writer.
In this story I had no problem understanding the plot, it was too easy to follow in fact. I see the foundation of your characters and then the conflict, followed by the tension to want something that will provoke more conflicts. All of this should trigger a chain of events that the characters will reflect upon. Readers love plot but they also love to see the characters (pardon my french) get screwed over by the actions of others and themselves. Put drama into the character's retaliation and not so much in the conflict themselves, except if you just want to destroy your characters via a snowball of bad events. With that said, practice and tone your skills with daily writing and try adding substance towards the end. I also agree that it was abrupt and I know there's plenty of room to build. Good job though, I hope to see a second part or an edited version. If you need anymore help on plot or character design just PM me.
Hi and welcome to YWS! I see that you’re new; it’s part of the Rules that every member must do at least two reviews before posting any of their own work, and afterwards reviewing twice as much as they post stories, or story chapters. Or poems. It makes it fairer. ^_^
Your formatting was a little strange. Did you centre it in Word? Only it looks rather odd; it’s better to have it run from side to side like a regular book.
Your grammar also needs improving:
It’s better to just use one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence like this, so take out the exclamation mark and just leave the question mark. Also, you need to use a small letter on “begged”.
It’s the same here. That should be, “No TV Jonathan,” replied Jonathan’s mother. You should always end speech with a comma instead of a full stop, and use a small letter on the “said/replied” part.
Here your speech is fine, but you used the wrong word – that should be too and not to.
You don’t need to write his speech in capital letters. Just saying that he shouted is enough, and all capitals looks untidy.
You need a comma to end the dialogue.
Again, don’t use all capitals. It’s untidy. ^_^
Spelling mistake. Minuets should be minutes.
~
This was short, but you had a good idea of pacing and didn’t spend too long on some parts and not long enough on others, so well done on that. ^_^ However, as it was short I didn’t really get a “feel” for the characters. I’ve got no idea how old Jonathan is – he acts young, but he can’t be too young otherwise wouldn’t his mum have left someone in the house to keep an eye on him while she was out?
The ending was also really sudden; I’d have liked to know more about what happened after. How did Jonathan’s mum punish him? Did Jonathan care? Did he listen, take her advice to heart and grow up and open a care centre for the criminally inclined youth? Or did he completely ignore her and grow up to become a master thief whose speciality was stealing the latest cool gadgets from Japan? I don’t really want or need his life story, just a hint about what happened later on.
It was very easy to read, though, and I really like the name Jonathan. It stems from reading Batman/Scarecrow fan fiction. You also very successfully created a brat’s character, and the other characters were realistic as well.
PM me if you have any questions, don’t forget to review, and keep writing!
-twit